its SO damn unpredictable.
You can plan for good days all you want- you can even attempt to do all the right things to keep your flare chances to a minimum. And then BAMMM- a cold front rolls in and you feel like 💩. But was it the cold front??? OR??... maybe it was something you ate yesterday? That bite of chocolate? (shame) Or maybe your walk was a little too much yesterday? (shame) It was your usual jaunt but you did feel a little tired afterwards. Or it could be that you tossed and turned all night and you could't refill your reserves. There are a million different reasons and series of events that can set you off. We all do our best to balance life with our chronic illness but sometimes our health tips the scales. What I've learned from countless plans ruined is that you can't let it get you down. This is not an easy feat. Especially when it's winter break and you feel the pressure to make it special for your kids.
Acceptance is one of the things I struggle with the most. Like most, before fibro I was an over-doer. A perfectionist. As a mom, this meant always on the go. And even while at home, I wasn't resting. I was either cleaning, organizing, crafting, baking, or doing anything but sitting down. I even ate lunch standing at the island in the kitchen. My quest for perfection included 6 day a week, 2 hr gym sessions. None of these tasks were ever performed to my satisfaction. I still looked at my home and saw dirt, or mess, or decorating flaws. I still longed to make all meals from scratch and be the Pintrest Queen. And when I looked in the mirror, I was still fat. Add to that an unhappy marriage, and you have a recipe for nervous system overload. If I had only allowed myself acceptance. If I had only been willing to lower the bar and enjoy rather than criticize. Maybe I wouldn't be here laying in bed, thinking of the things I needed to get done today, but can't. The growing to-do list that a Spoonie mom can never outrun.
But- I refuse to live in regret. Instead, we must let go of the past and accept our illness as something that was meant to be. I know many of you might be thinking I'm crazy here- but life is all in how you chose to see things. By accepting what is- changing things we can and letting go of what we can't- we can learn to enjoy life and be happy every day. Not just on the good days.
So today- I snuggled with my son in the morning and watched a movie. I worked on a Lego set with my daughter. We may have had to cancel our plans- but life was still good. After all, our time and undivided attention is what our children really want. Slowing down can be a good thing. Focus more on the things that matter most and less on the things that at the end of the day- really don't. Let go of control.